Archive for the ‘emotions’ Category


For the last several days, I’ve been trying to deal with this whole thing.  Hanving out with family was good and that kind of took my mind off of things.  I’ve been playing a lot of Wii and watching DVDs to that end.  There is a large part of me that really doesn’t want to deal with this right now.  Not denial, but perhaps rather detachment.

But I *need* to think about things.  I need to understand.  I so vitally and desperately need information because I will have to make big decisions.  And then I wind myself up quite a bit.

Anxiety can be good, if it’s a useful motivator.  But when you’re spinning your wheels in the mud, it’s rather less than helpful.  I feel like I have traction at least.

And I also am contemplating writting “the email”.  The one that will tell everybody what’s going on with me.  I’ve been mostly absent this holiday season.  It’s all I could do just to get presents for people around me.  And don’t even mention christmas cards … I don’t think mine are going to get sent out this year.

My emotions swing from being terrified and despairing, to being intellectually inquisitive, to just enjoying my life now.  Rinse, wash, repeat.  Multiple times a day.  And it’s kind of making me crazy.  I’m sure it’s taking it’s toll on the SO.  We’ve discussed quite a few things in the last week or so … what happens if I don’t make it off of the operating table, etc.  Planning for your possible demise is never easy, especially when you’re dealing with so many other issues.  At least I don’t have work on my mind just at the moment.

I’ve found that going outside and just doing something helps.  Doing work in the kitchen helps.

Somehow I’ll get through this.  I have to.  I want to live to see my daughter graduate from high school, then college, then start her own family.  I want to stick around and see what we clever humans manage to figure out in the next 40 years or so.


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Today was one day after the pop, the speedy visit to the oral surgeon, etc. I had already decided to not chew. Anything. I took this advice quite literally.

And there was another concern. Sometimes my daughter is kind of rambunctious. Legs flailing around, running into people. In general just being a kid. I’ve been head butted more than a number of times on accident, even when we weren’t rough housing. And her head is hard. And it hurts. I started to think about this and became quite worried that despite explaining to her multiple times that she has to be careful with daddy, that she might forget and that might mean … I don’t know what that would mean if she broke my jaw? A trip to the ER?

This is fine when I’m awake, but sometimes daughter gets up earlier than we do an ambushes us. I wouldn’t be able to explain to her the importance of being careful or not jumping on top of us.

I’d lock the door, but then daughter might need us, like if she got sick in her sleep or had a nightmare.

So I freaked out and had my partner go out and buy me a helmet. Preferrably one that covers my jaw. Our heads are roughly comparable in circumference, so I told her to just try one on for me.

It turns out that it’s actually quite difficult to find an adult-sized sports helmet in the middle of December. Our local chain-stores only sale things that are in season. And December is not in season for football, ergo no football helmets. She looked around for quite a bit, trying to find one that guarded the jaw. She’s good to me like that. She ended up finding this:

It fit her and almost fit me. If I took out the foam pads it would, but that defeats the purpose. See the pads actually exerted pressure on my jaw. But I still want to keep it. Just in case. Just in case what? I don’t know. I guess the helmet is like a security blanket for me at the moment. I really should take it back, but I can’t. I don’t want to. Even though it is useless to me.

I imagined what it would be like to wear the helmet around in public, to work, out with the family, and so on. I’d look ridiculous. Would people freak out? Would they be repulsed? I wasn’t sure quite how people would actually take this.

So I did what I could do and I’ve taken to sleeping on my side, with an extra pillow between the front of my face and the bed as extra padding and to shift the force off of my jaw.

Just in case.

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